I’m not totally sure that anyone reads these entries quite yet. And so I’ve decided to continue writing anyways. I sat at Barnes and Noble tonight and rambled a bit on paper.
I saw a woman today who had the face of a wounded child
An innocent hunger permeated her stature
She seemed disillusioned and weighed down by shame
And by fear and a sadness that comes from
A life lived in her own understanding
Her own understanding is limited to the space in her brain
:the places she has been, the people she has met
Only there is so much more , I would even say ,
Too much more that she does not know and will never know
That could give her confidence in living life in her own understanding
For as children we have bold faces toward the world
Feeling as though anything could be conquered
When we finally are given the chance at 18
We take in all that we are able
Only to be disappointed with
Heartache, pain, rejection, and mediocrity
We don’t know what has happened
And so we boast to those around us
About the things we appear to have in order
Still wondering, questioning
Hoping that it will be our cover until we
Gain the understanding we are in search of.
Because by this time we’ve at least understood
That the one who questions is a fool.
So we grab on to that which brings us
momentary relief from these tiring strivings
…Beauty, strength, gourmet food, music, athletics, wealth…
Even admirable pursuits such as, giving, sharing, hosting, relating…
And yet as the years continue
One by one our endeavors loss meaning
The things that once thrilled become mundane
And we quickly see that maybe all was done in vain
For we can no longer
Taste as well,
Carry as much,
Hear as clearly,
Run as fast,(or at all)
So what is life? Where is there joy?
Is it found in my understanding?
I wish it was, for it is so much easier
to live in a world of my understanding
Than within a realm I can barely grasp
Is there hope?
I would like to be philosophical through and through
For the sake My pride
I want to be wordy and filled with knowledge
SO much of what I really know
Doesn’t reach the mark of acceptable understanding
But there is something that brings me joy and relief
In every area of my heart, mind and life.
I question to see if these claims are a copout from the real issue.
Yes I do believe that there is a temptation
to never let the answer to all of this take root in our hearts.
I believe that many hear these words
only to continue living a life of vain pursuit
God help us.
What are we afraid of?
Are we afraid of that which we cannot
completely wrap our limited minds around?
Are we holding at arms length
the very solution to the ache?
DO we become frightened
when something is out of our control?
It is unusual to believe
that which we cannot fully explain and defend.
And when we attempt to do both
We are known as fools
And yet isn’t it what we really crave?
Something beyond our understanding?
Don’t we want something to redefine everything we’ve attempted?
For obviously our understanding has never been enough.
If at the end of our understanding we find vanity and emptiness,
Could it be possible to find the opposite outside of us?
Could we find importance and life?
It is Jesus
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding
In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.